Student Improvement

Date: 2020-07

Grade: 6th
Occasion: Improve Your English Comprehensive English Diagnostic, timed handwritten essay

Comments: This essay is very short, with underdeveloped paragraphs.

• Do you wonder why some schools ban bringing sweet snacks on campus? There is a good reason behind this rule, and I believe it’s a great idea.
• First of all, the reason why there is a ban against bringing sugary snacks to school is probably because too much of one thing can be really unhealthy. It’s true that people need sugar, but if we overload ourselves with that nutrient, students may be risking gaining health problems later.
• The idea is similar to how too much screen time may hurt your eyes. A little bit of sugar is fine, and it tastes good, but a large amount of it will hurt your stomach and may lead to problems such as diabetes.
• Overall, I feel like the rule against bringing sweets to school is justified. After all, too much of anything will hurt in some way.

Date: 2021-05

Grade: 7th
Occasion: Improve Your English Biannual Assessment, Spring

Comments: This is a full five-paragraph essay. The intro gives good background, but it needs a clear thesis at the end. The second body paragraph needs a clearer topic sentence. The conclusion should be longer and better developed.

• During school, one would likely have to read a book as a whole class. This practice is quite common and many language arts teachers will read at least one book like this. This only happens when school is in session, so is assigning reading over summer acceptable?
• I do not think there should be assigned reading over summer. Summer is a period of time that all students look forward to. When a student is asked what summer is, their response will likely include break, free time, or something to do with not having too much work anymore. Although an assigned book to be read over the entirety of summer may not be much, it seems really petty. Children should enjoy their summer break school work-free instead of forgetting to read an assigned book and getting marked off the next year.
• Adding onto having a rather annoying assignment during your supposed “summer break”, other people might already have a lot of summer work from their parents, or were signed up to a lot of summer camps. They may not have enough time to finish the assignment or just forget about it in the mountain of work they have.
• Someone might say that some students are just lazy all summer and don’t do anything that would help them academically, and it’s true. That is normal summer behavior. Schools all around the world have this break for a reason. Students should be allowed to do nothing during this break if they want to. They go to school for around 9 months every year anyway.
• Assigned reading should not happen. Student are allowed to have summer to themselves. These months are meant as a break from work, in which assigned reading is not appreciated.

Date: 2022-11

Grade: 8th
Occasion: Improve Your English Biannual Assessment, Fall

Comments: This essay shows further improvement. The intro is well-developed, though the thesis statement could include the reasons supporting the claim. The first two topic sentences are clear, though the third topic sentence needs a better tie to the thesis. The conclusion needs to be stronger, with better development.

• Social media is used by countless people every day. In schools, it is now common to see both students and teachers on devices watching TikTok, browsing through YouTube, or texting their friends through Snapchat. Some claim that these applications should no longer be allowed on campus. These people claim that the programs are too distracting. However, there are many benefits to keeping these social media platforms in school.
• Banning these apps may be detrimental to some students and teachers. Videos found on YouTube can be useful demonstrations that can explain difficult topics. Many learners find that seeing a demonstration of certain subjects can enhance their understanding. While one student has to read page after page of a wordy textbook, another can watch a short video. can provide necessary info in a small amount of time. Taking them out of the equation would be damaging in the school setting.
• A lot of students use these programs for entertainment during the school day. Some may use them to get help from others. Taking away these sources of support and fun may lead to students doing worse in class. Without aid with work, some may struggle to understand or complete their work quickly. The students using the apps for entertainment might try sneaking in phone time during class or may have more trouble focusing when they bored. Engagement within the classroom would get worse and bad behavior might arise.
• When spending so much time is spent on the screen, less time is spent socializing and playing physical games. Some claim that the online video platforms may be too distracting from the physical world. Although it shifts focus to the online world, this may not be such a bad thing. People can connect to each other from great distances. It may give rise to great friendships and help people understand the world around them. At school, some may feel isolated when no one can relate to them. Online, people with similar interests, struggles, and situations can come together and discuss what they cannot describe to others.
• Overall, online video applications should be kept at school. They have the capacity to be educational and can provide support to students who need it. Though it may shift a kids view from the material world, it may be a beneficial thing.

Date: 2024-11

Grade: 10th
Occasion: Improve Your English Biannual Assessment, Fall

Note: Students were asked to write an essay about the use of a fictitious app, 360 Student View. The app would monitor students via phone, laptop, and personal computer to see if they were being productive. Signing up would be voluntary, and students would receive a 5% grade bonus for signing up.

Comments: This essay shows more sophisticated thinking. The intro is well developed, though the thesis statement could be improved by including the reasons. The third topic sentence would be stronger by including a reference to 360SV. The conclusion is well developed, with a strong final sentence. The student has improved a great deal from her first essay in 6th grade.

• Surveillance, as useful as it is, comes with troubling ramifications. 360 Degree Student View is a product that would be installed on a student’s devices and in their room, constantly observing them. Downloading it would also provide a student with a 5% grade boost.
• It would be able to notify teachers and parents if a student is being productive. Despite its good intentions, 360SV would be harmful to a student’s wellbeing. The 360 Degree Student View should not sign up for by students.
• Initially, 360 Degree Student View might be thought of as beneficial. However, this product will make students less independent. Since it views all of the actions the student takes, parents and teachers may take measures preemptively to stop possibly harmful habits or activities. This becomes a problem after the student leaves school and goes out to find a job. Without any assistance from 360SV, a young adult whose actions had been constantly policed by it would not develop any habits themselves to combat their issues. A student with a procrastination problem could have utilized parental nagging to get started on work at school, but after the loss of the external motivator, would fall back into procrastination due to the lack of a developed internal motivator.
• Another problem is that 360SV encroaches upon student privacy, and therefore does not respect social boundaries. People do not enjoy sharing every aspect of themselves to others, since sometimes they have secrets they wish to keep. This could be a minor secret, like the planning of a surprise party, or a more major one, like a terminal illness. Either way, these secrets belong to people like property and should not be revealed to others without proper consent. Undisclosed information being leaked results in damage to a relationship and a loss of trust. If sensitive information leads to a confrontation between a student and an adult, the student will find ways to become more secretive. Most often, only secrets brought to light by one ready to confront them will lead to behavioral change. True understanding and a willingness to change will come from within a person, and cannot be effectively forced out.
• This information that is personal to students could be used against them in the form of blackmail. A product such as 360SV gives parents and teachers an unhealthy amount of power over the students. Adults could potentially take advantage of children if they threaten to spread any of their secrets. This type of blackmail has already been seen online, used by cyberbullies. Some cyberbullies have extorted people for money by threatening to release private information.
• Overall, 360 Degree Student View is not a beneficial program. Video recorded by it reduces student independence, violates social boundaries, and can be used as blackmail. This product would endanger students in the present and future. Privacy is a human right, and all should be entitled to it. Do not support these overzealous surveillance programs.

Essay – 2021-05 (Grade 6)

Essay – 2022-11 (Grade 7)

Essay – 2024-11 (Grade 10)